Tuesday, January 15, 2008

The Great Escape

Sometimes, not very often, I want to escape my life. Not my outer life, my husband, my children, ministry and friends, but my inner life. My thought life. Sometimes I just want to take my brains out of my head for a few hours and be free from the pressure in there. And I don't mean sinus pressure (although, that would be nice, too.)

It's a lot of pressure being me. Most people don't know that because I keep my inside life to myself. It's hard work cataloging my thoughts, feelings, concerns and all the other random junk that runs through my mind. I think a major factor to my pressure is that I'm a passionate person. My passions sometimes consume me and it doesn't help that I'm completely aggressive. I try to be more passive, but it just doesn't work out.

I have an internal image of what I'm supposed to be and it changes from year to year. And my real life isn't even in the neighborhood of that. There are some very brief similarities of my inner life in my outer life, but not many. I want to be a better person. I want to change the world. I want to impact people for the good. But I end up here, just blogging.

So if I could escape myself, I would be someone who thought less. I would be someone who didn't care about how she looked more. I would be someone who was content, but not passive. I would be someone who could feel, but not drown in emotion. I would be someone who relaxed and threw all my responsibilities to the wind and watched them swirl in the air before I caught them all before they hit the ground. I would be someone who ate more gourmet food and drank more water. I would be someone who liked to snuggle and be snuggled. I would be someone who wasn't compulsive about buying CDs and someone who liked folding laundry. I would be someone who said yes without feeling guilty. I would be someone who was sure. I would be someone who can kiss each passing moment goodbye and embrace each new one like a long lost friend. I would an airhead who laughed at things that weren't funny. I would be someone who got pedicures and went swimming. I would be someone who wasn't me.

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